LC's Take: Alice

Posted Tuesday, December 17, 2013 in Features

by LC Van Savage

It's occasionally been said that because an older person's got snow on the roof, there maybe is no fire in the furnace.

    Bad, old joke, and of course, not true.  We have a beloved relative, who resides in a home for retired persons and where he is astonishingly happy. And from a recent letter he shared with us, sent to him by one of his many lady friends, it's clear there's a roaring fire in not only his furnace, but apparently in hers also, proving once again that people of the many-decade persuasion still actively think about the tee hee stuff those of lesser-decades do.  And evidently, they spend a lot of time doing that.

       This letter was sent to our relative "Stosh," (not his real name) a widower, and if you'll forgive my murdering of metaphors, not only do these two have fires in their furnaces, they don't appear to have any moss growing any place on them, either.

    The author of this remarkable letter is named "Alice," (not her real name) and because she clearly enjoys colorizing her language with a good ribald epithet every now and again, I'll be substituting those blue words with the BLEEP word. Here's her missive to our dear relative, exactly as she wrote it:

    Dear Stosh:

    Took my old dog for a walk this morning. You remember her I know.  Edith. And even though you always told me you hated every dog what ever drew breath, she loved you so much she got so excited when she saw you she always used to pee on your shoes, remember?  The roads this morning were muddy as BLEEP because of all the construction so they're just like tobacco road.

    Boy, you have it made when you have a birthday at the home there, they bake you a cake and sing etc, BLEEP, I was 76 on March 3 and I had to make my own cake and I didn't hear any BLEEPING singing around here. I think they are spoiling you in there. I could some spoil you Stosh. You could bet on that.

    I still cook big. Made enough potato pancakes so Lisa could bring some home for Ray, that BLEEPING jerk loser of her husband.  What did she ever marry that BLEEPING blockhead for anyway? She told me once it was because he was a great BLEEP. Well, you can't pick your BLEEPING family or the people they marry, but you can sure hate them. 

    If you come to see me in winter and you don't have a 4 wheel drive, you may have to stay until spring. (BIG SMILEY FACE HERE.) Know what I mean Jelly Bean?

    I'm doing spring cleaning now, ripping everything apart, wipeing walls down etc cleaning cupboards. When winter is over I don't have to clean nothing any more.  House cleaning really BLEEPS. Men don't have no idea.

    Well let's get right to it. It's been over two years since Alfonse died and everyone tells me you should get out, meet a man, blah blah blah. I was married for 57 years I was only a kid when I got married and maybe there is something wrong with me but I don't want a man to marry so I can take care of him and I sure as BLEEP don't want any BLEEPING sex with just anyone. For a while when Alfonse died I thought my sex drive must of died too. But I found out it didn't. NosirreeBob.  NosirreeStosh.

    I see men around here, 65 and over, living with women. The man gets part of the womens soc. sec. check and she sleeps with him every night. The man gets drunk, tells the woman "you BLEEP BLEEPING BLEEP, get out of my house." When a mans wife dies, the women are after the man like bees around the honey pot. (Do you have that problem? Bet you do because like the young girls say today, Stosh, your a hottie.)  But BLEEP, men love the problem of having ladys buzzing around all the time, right?  But if a old broad loses her husband, shes BLEEP out of luck because she sure as BLEEP isn't going to find another man her age, because men my age want young stuff, under 21. Can you believe it? What 21 year old lady who isn't blind or deaf or worse going to look twice at a wrinkled, creaky and smelly old toad fifty years older than her?  I see around here, Men like pigs and sluts. If you are a slut, you don't have to cook or clean house etc etc just stay in the BLEEPING bedroom. Boy did my mother bring me up wrong.

    You remember Joe from the old town? He marries this woman. They have 2 sons. She would unload a dump truck full of coal from the truck by herself. Clean 400 herring by herself, planted a huge garden. Canned all there food. Joe would maybe cut down a tree and she would chop the wood and stack it in the cellar. He wouldn't do no manual labor like shoveling snow. He was a big shot in the service and real good at barking orders.

    So soon as her kids got grown, she left Joe and went to San Francisco even though theres all that drugs out there and funny shenanigans.  So then Joe calls me and wants to come over to my house after his divorce. Alfonse had just died so Joe comes on down and finds me here alone. Oh, BLEEP!! BLEEP!! Well, it was OK for a while when we were talking about old times so out of a clear blue sky he says Let's go to bed, so I said to him, oh no, Joe, I can't, the trapeze came loose from the mirror on my ceiling above the bed so I can't use the bed!  He left, Probably was figuring that one out all the way home.  He's wrote me letters and called--wants me to come to his house for a visit but I imagine it's to clean herring, chop wood, shovel snow and jump into bed with him. No BLEEPING way I'll do that. For any man ever. And especially not for that BLEEPING dunce.

    So I really don't want a man the more I see and hear it really turns me off. I'm just too old for all the BLEEPING BLEEP thats going on. I'm old and so is my dog. She's my best friend, that old dog.  The two of us are almost on our way out.

    The only thing that turns me on lately, well except for sometimes U-No-What, is food and shopping, but when I shop I mostly come home with food. 

    Well Stosh, from what I see around I think I lived my life all wrong but its too late now. If it was 20 years ago I would of been wild, and if you were around I could of checked that prostate for you. (BIG SMILEY FACE.) Just kidding. Don't get all embarrassed.  Nobody likes a goody two shoes or a smart-BLEEP. I just don't know which the BLEEP I am maybe both. Oh BLEEP. Who gives a BLEEP. Take care and call me soon, Stosh. Age is just a number, you know what I mean and anyone who says different, I say BLEEP 'em.  Love, Alice.


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