LC's Take: Guns, guys, and girls

Posted Wednesday, September 5, 2012 in Features

LC's Take: Guns, guys, and girls

by LC Van Savage

In this allegedly enlightened age of equality, I struggle to move smartly along with the au courants, to be hip, modern, a what's happenin' now kinda woman. For me, this is a perpetual and most difficult undertaking and I quite often sink into the fen of stereotype which seems to ever surround. For example: I strive to accept the contemporaneous notion that females and males are equal and alike.

But I can't go on with this any longer. All is sham. Finally, (and please, I beg of you, don’t accuse me of being a sexist idiot; I may occasionally and accidentally be the latter but never the former.) I must admit that I firmly believe there are differences 'twixt the two sexes. They are significant, they are eternal, and they can be changed about as easily as one can change the number of one’s nostrils.

 I shall attempt to give one example, but beware! I have to use the dreaded G word here. Prepare yourself ... here goes; wait for it — Gun!      

Now, I completely understand that this tiny word evokes the same explosive reactions the following do: free condoms, death penalty, abortion, sex, legal marijuana, gay, is OJ guilty or what, and same-sex marriage. Knowing this, I'll chance it and utter the Gun word anyway.

But hold on one more time. Before I foist one of the most basic and important tenets of my unshakable belief in the differences between boys and girls, I'd like to advise you that — yes folks, here's a flash — children will play at war games and with toy guns, even when they've been shielded from and/or forbidden to do this. If not given toy guns, they will make them from sticks, clothespins or their mother's solid gold from Tiffany's college graduation gift engraved pen and pencil set. This from experience; we had sons.

Little boys and sometimes (rarely) little girls play guns.

But here's one of the most important, ageless differences; you already know this, but just to remind you, here goes; GIRLS CANNOT MAKE GUN NOISES!! They try, but all that comes out is a sound vaguely like a high-pitched, malfunctioning and nearly empty spray can. Girls can't make that wonderfully juicy, eruptive ka-blooey from their throats the way boys can when their toy guns are being discharged. It must be a congenital larynx/vocal cord thing, an ability cruelly taken by nature from girl post-apes so they'd stay cave-side, cowering while sautéing mastodon haunch for the returning mighty hunters. What a gyp.

And since we're on the subject of girls vs. boys during war play, I'll point out one other important difference: Girls also just simply can't die very well, at least not to the boys' lights. When they are shot squarely between their quizzically raised eyebrows, they just do not have the good grace to expire decently. They look down at the dirt, look up at their slayers and say "Who, me? Fall onto that? Are you crazy? And then you want me to twitch around on the ground? Why would anyone want to do that? What fun is that? I'm outta here!"

 "Never mind all that! Die!!" scream the frustrated little boys. "You're ‘spozed ta die, you jerk girl."

Again, she looks down. "No WAY," the little girl will shout. "I'll get filthy doing that."

 "Well, at least try!" And so, born to please (forgive me, my sisters,) the little girl sighs, rolls her eyes and says "OK, I'll try." The long-suffering little boys once again aim their stick six-shooters at the now-annoyed little girl, and blast out that wonderfully wet explosion from their throats. Ka-blooey!

Clutching her chest awkwardly, the little girl looks down at the earth's unappealing surface and tries so hard to collapse, to imitate the boys' agonized death throes. She looks as if she's experiencing a faux convulsion as she lowers herself gingerly and with as little pain as possible, utterly refusing to close her eyes in death when she's finally supine, despite the screams of outrage and disgust from the boys. Little girls try hard, but they just don't have the inherent ability to do this sort of thing. And so, they wisely, simply, just won't.

Let's face it. Males are born to de-, and females are born to con-struct. It's a fact. You don't even have to look it up. Just watch a bunch of little kids, both sexes, in a room with a big pile of blocks and toys. Girls immediately begin to build block cities, to populate them with toy humans and animals, furnishings and every possible creature comfort they can grab.

The little boys sit clustered in a corner, their dancing eyes glittering, waiting, waiting. They are very quietly inventing magnificent bombs to be placed on splendid aircraft so that they may gleefully make smithereens of the block-metropolis the girls are so happily constructing.

Well, it's no matter. The girls will just wait for those crazy males to stop all the foolishness and they will then patiently rebuild. After all, that's what they've always done, haven’t they?

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